Suicide is something we don't think of as we go about our everyday life. We don't stop and take a good look at our family and friends and wonder if they are doing alright. As long as we see them doing good on the outside we are comfortable because looking harder at them may make us uncomfortable. Maybe it’s because if we see deep down they are hurting and depressed then we may have to do something and we don't know what or how. Maybe it's because if we really look at someone else we may find that we ourselves are just making it through each day by a wing and a prayer and that idea is upsetting. Maybe we don't really look because if we do and find a friend or family member is depressed we will feel responsible and guilty.
Here's a news flash for you. If someone close to you, someone you love commits suicide, you are going to feel guilt. And responsible. And devastated. And a grief so deep it is a physical pain. A sharp, stabbing pain in your chest that feels like someone is shoving a serrated knife in your heart. That burning pain will make it hard to breathe. You'll walk around in a daze. Your mind will stop functioning properly because it's trying to absorb what happened, to make sense of it and your emotions will tear you apart. After a time your mind and emotions will shut down just so you can survive each day. How do I know all of this? Because it happened to me.
Eight years ago on November 2nd at 1pm someone I loved shot himself. The most difficult part of dealing with this event for me was I could have prevented it. The guilt I carry is the fact that something I did was the reason for him taking his own life. Let me tell you that is a heavy weight to carry. For a long time I carried the guilt that I was responsible for his death. For several years I became depressed I contemplated the same action because the pain was so great. Realizing that he had been hurting then, as much if not more, as I was because of me, made me feel even worse. A constant merry go round of guilt, pain and depression. During this time I unconsciously became self-destructive. I contemplated taking my own life daily because the pain and hurt was so bad. I allowed myself to stay in a situation I should have walked away from because deep down I felt I didn't have a right to be happy when I took away his ability to be happy.
Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy said “It has been said that ‘time heals all wounds’. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone”
This is true. Today I still feel the pain. As I write this I have tears running down my face. I can’t keep them from falling. Sharing this has ripped away the scab and allowed the pain to come back to the surface. But time has given me the ability to handle the pain better. Or so I tell myself. Whether it's the truth or a lie I tell myself to make me feel better I don't know. Only after the scar tissue started to cover my wounds allowing the devastating pain to lessen was I able to see the situation more clearly. I've come to realize that he had been extremely depressed for a long time and was using alcohol to self-medicate. I have come to realize that there was a high chance that he may have committed suicide or attempted to do so without my actions. I have also come to accept that while I may not be completely responsible for his killing himself my actions contributed and was what pushed him over the edge. The straw that broke the camels back. This realization has made me more conscious that decisions I make and what I do impacts those around me. I now try to be more aware of how I can affect others.
Everyone says ‘suicide is the cowards way out’ but let me tell you there is nothing cowardly about someone who commit suicide. To know that what you are about to do will end your existence, possibly cause you pain as you do this act and that there is no going back is brave. Bravery out of desperation and pain but brave none the less. I couldn't bring myself to do it because I wasn't that brave. So to me that statement isn't accurate. It should be more like suicide is the way out for someone who is in great pain, who sees that as the only option of ending the pain and has courage to do it.
That's were we as a friend and family come in. To see that someone we love is hurting. But you will have to look hard because when someone is hurting so bad that they are thinking of committing suicide they have been carrying that pain for a long time and have learned to hide it well. And they will probably be the last person you would think who would take their own life. We need to see it and address it before they get the courage to take drastic action. Take my word on this it is not something you want to live through. I only share my experience in the hope that you’ll take what happened to me to heart and prevent it from happening to you. For the devastation that suicide brings to those left behind is unimaginable and long lasting. I am still dealing with the aftermath and it has been eight years.
The World Health Organization estimates that over 800,000 people die by suicide each year – one person every 40 seconds. Many more make attempts. These statics mean that there is a good chance in your life time someone you know has committed suicide or will attempt or has attempted to commit suicide. So what can we do to try to help make sure someone we know and love doesn't become part of this group? Connect, communicate and care. This is the theme of 2016 World Suicide Prevention Day. These three words are the very heart of preventing this disastrous event.
Nurture your connection with someone who has lost a loved one to suicide or has been suicidal themselves. Have an open communication with friends and family that you are concerned about. Maybe their behavior doesn't scream depressed or suicidal but perhaps you “feel” something isn't quite right. Sometimes having a sympathetic ear can make a lot of difference. Just listen. And care. Look out for others who seem to be struggling.
For more information on suicide prevention go to the International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP) website at www.iasp.info/wspd/
Thanks for visiting with me at “Down Home at Dee’s"
Deana
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